Gauguin Again - published by Orca Literary Journal, Seattle, Spring 2019

Gauguin Again

The Best Way To Pick-up Vocab.

Love letters of course. Especially those addressed to oneself. Could anything else come close?

         The woman had used the term a week or so earlier for the first time; never heard before. A good number of marvellous Indo lovers and never once.

         Suddenly she delivers "rindu."

         You guess the rough contours immediately. She has “missed” you many times before, but this development tickled.

         "Rindu you P...."

         And in the second example yesterday, "Okay... Rindu you P...really..."

         She was serious maybe. Thirteen and more months without meeting. She was back home and you back Downunder.

         One of the most fevered, immodest lovers you have ever had the good fortune to hold in your arms was more than missing you. She was rindu you. Longing. Yearning. Really.

         You kept the mail, the five word tweet, at the head of your Inbox where it refreshed every time you flicked the screen. Supercharged. Enflamed. Others kept a lock of hair, or used to.

         The earlier one had been filed in the folder. This one would remain at the head of the Inbox for some while. Perhaps until we meet, when it could be filed again.

             Melbourne, Australia

Electra in Java

A recent fantasy gnawing away at the edges in Jogja won't let go. (Blushingly it must be recorded.) At the upcoming reunion Nia on her knees clasping the legs of her lover, holding tight and imploring quietly in the sea-shell voice she managed sometimes on the phone particularly. You are my father now Pee.... Barely loud enough to hear. Cavernous voice like the priestesses of the old temples might have used. And Ni perhaps going on to add, The only one I have.... Remarkable. Riveting. Both on the phone and at one’s side Ni’s accent and mangled English often made her incomprehensible; then on other occasions perfect sense and often even sharp point. Holding fast as if to a mast; no tears and firm equally in grip and utterance. Nia would speak and act with such ease and simplicity there would be no room for awkwardness. (The only useful fantasies are those that have the realistic potential for fulfilment.) Erotic reaction inevitably, which Ni either intuits, or else independently moves in the same direction herself. One of our signal moments unfolded with this last as part of an earlier reunion, it might have been after the three months in Malaysia. By the doorway of the narrow room as usual Ni was received in the pink floral sarong, clasped close and squeezed tight. Another girl might have ignored the prod at her side for the moment. Ni's father had "fast away", she had texted earlier in the month. (As usual the phone had been switched off, messages of any kind left for a time of one's choosing and at leisure.) One or two nights before Ni had heard her father's voice. She had not spoken to him, but heard him playing with his grandson, the son of Nia's brother, while Ni spoke to her own daughter in the same room. That was the last Nia would hear of her father's utterance, a man of good, simple life, she reported again by text a day or two later. She would of course miss the funeral. In the days afterward the daughter, an adopted young girl of eight, asked her mother, What is this life? ..... (So-and-so) dying like that and now kakek. (Earlier in the year an uncle, husband of Nia's older sister, had passed away after a brief illness.) In the figure on the floor clutching the legs of her lover there was housed too, like another Russian doll, the semblance of Anita, another lover, a wild, impulsive and reckless woman. Neet was the one who would more likely be granted her wish in this regard, if only she could be brought round. Neet had lost her father long ago; at one point in the bloom of the relationship Neet had said she needed a husband who could lead her through life. (A virtual relationship with an ustad, religious teacher had ended badly when the man married one of her friends. No Second Wife position for her—unlike Nia, who had volunteered the concession unasked.) Eighteen months before after some difficulties we had landed in a terrible muddle; now almost certainly there was no hope with Neet. The image of the girl on the floor worked for an Indon woman. In Java a man could reasonably fantasize about such devotion. With lovely Indon women a lucky chap's hand could be taken for greeting or farewell and brought to the forehead, before being imprinted with an appreciative kiss. Ohya!... From the same historical novel as the other. One would like to line up all the Western male readers one could find and walk down the aisle slowly turning to them with patient explanation, an immeasurable sea of figures like in the culmination of the Sokurov Hermitage film. Gentlemen, no writerly fantasy this of which you have read, let me assure you. Please understand and make no mistake. Truly, such is our poverty.

                 Yogyakarta, Indonesia

 Overcome

The condemned are extended a last meal of their choosing. In the days prior a wish had been expressed for a masala thosai from Mr. Teh Tarik to be brought to the room. At the bottom end of Geylang the Eateries stopped serving the cheap Indian roti dishes at noon in order to promote their more expensive fare for the lunch hour. Har Yassin, Mr. T. T., Kampung Cafe all the same. Taking away the thosai and eating it cold was not really a good option either. Told all this Nia picked up a food packet from the Haig Road stalls, nasi with sambal, sotong (squid) and vegetables. Brown grease-proof paper bound with an elastic band. The foreign workers often took their food this way; sitting high at table among the locals spoilt their appetite.
         From the swivel desk-chair Nia spooned to her resistant lover on the bed. After a late breakfast he had taken a light lunch not long before.
         — Faster P. Faster.
         Nia insisted. A motherly, nurturing instinct that could not be denied. Heaped spoons that lost some of their freight on the short trip across the gap needed a cupped hand beneath.

         Nia had taken an adopted daughter to satisfy her mother; thus far she had not had her own child. In the intermediate future she was hopeful for one. The fine house in the kampung had long been built; the plan was now to reach her savings target, which would finance a small warung in Bali where the culinary expertise learned in Singapore would provide a living.
         — Faster Peeee....
         (Ni had been mock-warned not to use the elongated form. The play was irresistible to her.)
         An excellent cook like Nia knew which stall to choose for Take-out. A wonderful meal, rich and succulent, most of the sea-food passed across because of the lover’s known preference. (The avoidance of the starched white rice was also known.)
         — What you want to say to me? when the meal was done and Nia moved to the bed.
         There was some apprehension at the forewarning. Some little, insufficient concern.
         — .... You going back to Australia....
         Tears came quickly. Quiet, soundless weeping turned aside. Not a word or sound uttered. Still as if there was no breath. Turned aside and unresponsive to caresses.

         An energetic, strong and passionate love-affair was over. There had been little slow-tempo before in the eighteen months.
         — You will marry her. Nia immediately leapt to the worst.
         For many months despite all, she had hoped for marriage. Her father could not condone a boy-friend; the kampung disallowed anything of the sort, under any circumstances.
         No words of reproach of any kind throughout the more than two hours. None. That came in an email the next day and was quickly retracted with apologies.
         — It's OK.
         — It's nothing.
         — ... Nothing compared to daughter...
         — Please let me go. At the end when she was making off to the bathroom before departure.
         As hoped, there had been good, fitting words found for the difficult task. There could be no real rehearsal; a couple of little points framed. Friendship would remain; should there be any need for help, there would be someone to call on, Nia was assured. Any problem at work, the internet, map assistance, whatever. (A day or two previously Ni had needed the nearest MRT to Yishun. The app for Maps she had not been able to download for some reason. Nia had been a fast learner on the web; there must have been some particular problem.) The future with the new girl was impossible to guess. She had been met five or six months ago; in the last four or five weeks the intimacy suddenly blossomed. (Clearly after the last meeting with Nia.) It had happened unexpectedly. In two or three months the outcome would be known; there was no way of knowing anything at present. Nia should know too, should not forget, her lover had no-one; no father, mother, wife or child.

         There was no protest of any kind, not a single word. It had been impossible to guess how this may have went.
         During lunch at the corner of the window Nia had been lectured about the interest charge she was intending to exact on a loan to a neighbor from Bandung. Lending $600 and due $800 over four months of repayment. This was doing the friend a service; otherwise the Maid Agency would charge the usual outrageous sum. 
         But it was haram Nia. And for a neighbor too.
         Nia had accepted the rebuke. She had tried to counter the arguments, but at bottom knew the truth of the matter. Usury was haram for a Muslim, and this was steep too.
         Perfectly quiet, totally inaudible tears turned away in a three-quarter foetal position. Lucien Freud's paintings irritatingly came to mind.

         The tears were only noticed at the corner of the eyes peering from close behind holding the woman. It was standing tears for a long time, no attempt at wiping and no running. Without any sobbing or whimper.

         After an hour a tissue was sought. A couple of months earlier Nia had brought a large pack of tissues together with the lunch cooked at home, the fruit and nut dessert and drinks.

         After an hour Ni began wiping her eyes with the heel of her hand, with her knuckles and then fingers digging out tears. Lastly the tissue.
         Six months previously there had been a dalliance of some kind with a Malaysian-Chinese Security Guard who showed Nia his $40k savings in his bank account. Once, and then a second time, Nia had broken appointments to meet the serious suitor. In her first divulging of the matter Nia  had made the point she would be frank and open; there would be nothing under-hand; simple honesty was best.

         Now when she was reminded of the matter Nia finally stirred a little from her torpidity.
         No! No!... Shivering…. Nothing. Never….Quietly voiced and adamant.
         Half-jokingly Nia had been told she couldn't really be trusted from that time on. Almost certainly there had been nothing with the other; it seemed clear.
         — Actually I also don't want to cry, Nia declared when she had been asked to desist.
         It was understandable if Nia had used the Security Guard as a lever and prod. She had explained she had not sought the attention. Numerous times she had brushed off the chap. He must have been employed at the condominium where she stayed at Kovan. Nia was a girl who could not choose, she had explained in message or email in later pleading. Whatever Allah decided Nia would accept.

         There had been a six or seven month rupture before Ni's quiet, careful and persistent messages could no longer be ignored. Passionate loving like Nia’s could not easily be dismissed.
         — Playing huh? Playing.
         No!... There had been no playing Ni. Nothing of the sort.
         Through a wan smile and strands of falling hair that had been the closest Nia had come to reproach. Again, quietly voiced, without harshness and undeveloped.
         Consolatory love-making was declined. There came a short period of tenderness that was soon broken off. Again a kind of reflexive courtesy seemed involved; an appropriate and judicious restraint.
         — Bye. I go. Bye.
         Ni would need to plan again; re-think. In the new employment she had negotiated after Ramadan Nia would have carte blanche for staying out with her boy-friend. The new employer knew Nia to be responsible and trustworthy. (She had been poached from her old employer with a number of inducements.) Now there was no benefit in that arrangement. Nia needed to think again, plan again.
         She was OK. This was nothing compared to the daughter, even one adopted and loved from afar.

         The obvious lame joke about the shabby comparison had been cruel.

   

                                                                                                      Geylang Serai, Singapore